Building Identity Capital

Words to live by when you're worried about having a perfect life

Last night, the clouds parted. I set a ‘wind down’ bedtime alarm that I’ve ignored for ages. I organized all the tabs open on my laptop, deleted at least a thousand emails, and compiled a spreadsheet wishlist of all the home decor I’ve been saving in screenshots, random Notes and on socials. I don’t have a finger on any pulse right now (my brain = too smooth), which means I need to fucking READ! So I cleaned up my Substack subscriptions to the ones I actually read, and hit subscribe for The New Yorker and The Atlantic. After a trying phase of life in limbo, I’m committed to being back on my bullshit!

I’ve been deeply dissatisfied with my career for a good three, four months now. So it goes for most people experiencing unemployment, or moving countries, or moving back in with parents — all three, anyone?? My life has felt like a kiddie roller coaster lately — nothing dramatic, but lots of ups and downs in rapid succession. I can handle it and hold on, because I know it’s only jostling me a little, but my stomach still drops and I picture busting out of my safety bar and falling out. Regulating my emotions has proved more difficult, and without a clear destination in sight I had a fight or flight tendency that was switched on for too long. It’s no Top Thrill Dragster, but I’ve stepped off the ride feeling dizzy all the same.

Writing has been a lifeline and then a point of insecurity; exercising constant and then nonexistent; positive affirmations believable and then not. I recently told my friend, now that I’m gainfully (& happily!) employed, that instead of having a dramatic fist pumping moment of victory, I feel physically & spiritually like a marathon runner that collapses at the finish line to wait for medical attention. On the tough days, it’s been a perpetual luteal phase.

Julia Harrison

wrote a beautiful piece for her newsletter that really touched the core of what I’ve been feeling: trying to be positive and realistic, perfect, and humorous to a fault in the midst of what I know to be a challenging time. I promised myself I wouldn’t dive into the same topic because I knew Julia hit the nail on the head, no notes, but I can’t seem to get past it. Looking back on what felt like living in a lull, she wrote, “All that normal stuff, as it turns out, was completely essential so that I might not feel like I swallowed rocks.”

I’m terrified of being normal 98% of the time. I only learned of Jemima Kirke’s iconic “I think you guys might be thinking of yourselves too much” IG story this summer, and only recently realized *I* might be one of those guys. I grew up in a family that was, and still is, full of high-performing individuals, both in intelligence and athletic prowess. Being special was not something we so much have as it was something we crave to earn in our personal pursuits. Ever since I was a wee thing I convinced myself I was destined for New York or some massive cultural capital. Perhaps from this stems the problem I often have of believing my dream life is put on pause in any other setting, even if it’s the moments where I have an opportunity to build the character and resilience that will prepare me for the next chapter. Like moving back in with my parents for a couple months, and job searching, and reconnecting with family and US-based friends.

Four years ago, a friend of mine who was one of my older teammates on our college volleyball team gave me a sort of twenties lifestyle Bible: The Defining Decade by clinical psychologist Dr. Meg Jay. I had just confessed there was a small voice in my head that wondered if I could live abroad and get a Master’s, and this tender offering of a potential ‘future me’ was accepted and affirmed so gracefully. Not, of course, without a book that would further assure me that the multitude of pathways one can pursue in their twenties should all, bottom line, aim to acquire “identity capital”.

In layman’s terms, identity capital is about investing in your personal and professional identity, which can significantly impact your personal journey in your twenties. This primarily entails collecting skills, experiences, and attributes that make up who you are, and how you are perceived by others. It's a concept that can impact your career and personal life, and is often overlooked in the pursuit of success or non-normalcy. Over the years, amid moving countries and changing jobs, a graduate degree, big questions and one breakup, I’ve returned to a few dog-eared pages of The Defining Decade to re-center my long term goals and take stock of what I’m learning about myself in the current moment.

Things have been pretty still lately, for better or worse. It’s allowed me a lot of time to think up a new blueprint for my life. Letting my disappointment fester can sometimes be pretty helpful when I pursue transformational life changes. What I often forget, however, is that the obstacles are The Path! Everything you experience accumulates, accumulates; I think about how every job I’ve had has been somehow connected to the one before it, how a step down one way gave me the courage to take bigger bites out of life. It seems as though the interdisciplinary life was never going to be concentrated solely within my liberal arts degree.

Identity capital can include tangible items like degrees, jobs, and schools, as well as intangible items like personality traits and empathy. It influences how you see yourself, how others see you, and the opportunities that come your way. Everyone has some version of this. I think what’s most important is being able to engage with how your choices directly impact who you are or want to be.

I wrote some of my own here, and I’m not gonna lie I’m pretty damn proud of who I am. I know it’s setting me up to be even prouder of whatever I get into next. Let me count the ways as of late:

• Starting this Substack was a major first step in understanding my voice and pursuing an avenue I wasn’t sure I had access to (or knew how to!). A year and a bit in, I am constantly putting into question its purpose and making way for new avenues and new writing styles. I’m reminding myself that I can still experiment, and I’m getting to a point where I am wrapping my head around what kind of writer and creator I want to be; I’m ready to step outside of my echo chamber more often to figure that out.

• Pitching to publications even though I’ve never really heard back! Each time I get better, and it will stick when it’s meant for me. I don’t have the belief I used to have in being a guest contributor with the state of editorial affairs, but I realize I want to get involved.

• Being a college athlete, and working part time with a full course load, shaped a lot of my tenacity and work ethic.

• Getting a Master’s degree homieeeeee! This is where I first started combining my background in diplomacy and political philosophy with my desire to learn more about climate change policy and circular fashion.

• Moving abroad because duhhhhhhh that was crazy and I’ll probably do it again!

• Working in a bar while interning (then starting a full time job) while starting this newsletter. Those long work weeks carved out a space for me in London, gave me good stories and amazing friends, and helped me learn all the good places to eat and drink in the city.

• Reading The Artist’s Way and journaling honestly (a new practice) — aka saying the thought in my mind without filtering it immediately — made me realize what creative pursuits I needed to nurture, and improved the emotional quality of my writing immensely.

• Moving to apartments at least three times on my own because I didn’t have anyone to help me while in the UK.

• Doing more things alone. This is definitely par for the course when moving countries & you hit refresh on making friends, but still!! I became a lot more bold, approachable, and equipped myself with the freedom to do what I want without waiting for someone to do it with me.

• As I mentioned at the beginning of this essay, READING! Get out of your own head.

• Starting new crafts and hobbies. Within the last two years, I’ve picked up boxing, crocheting, hip hop, watercolor painting, calligraphy, sewing, Pilates and yoga off the top of my head. It’s like learning a new language (which I also keep trying and failing to stick with lmao).

• Having jobs where I felt undervalued and constantly asking for more development. Learning when to move on or push harder for responsibility and progression has made me much more confident in what I have to offer. Swapping stories with friends and colleagues has empowered me to firmly believe in what my gut says I’m capable of.

• Being someone’s +1 to parties, dinners, events, weddings !!!

• Admitting naivety or that I have little knowledge of something always gives me the space to accept who I am and be more curious about what’s out there. Putting up a front is a waste of time.

• Officiating my BEST FRIENDS’ WEDDING which I did this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the greatest privileges of my life thus far, and I have been so happy to carve out time the last two months to dedicate myself to giving them the most perfect ceremony I can possibly give. It was fun as hell and downright dreamy. Cheers to Emily and Navia <3

the beautiful happy couple & me. I’m so obsessed

If anything, I hope this helps you count the ways you’ve built identity capital in your own life. At the very least, writing this has moved me past the block I’ve had for a couple weeks now.

See you very soon for more fashion bits! xx